I wanted to start blogging. but I just didn’t dare, it was a simple as that. I was terrified that people in my school would judge me and take the piss out of me. You know what teenagers can be like. So I was left in my bedroom typing out reviews onto Microsoft Word, never taking the plunge. I would write short stories, in depth book reviews, I would talk about everything from makeup to my mums breast cancer journey. I still have every one of these on my hard drive. Maybe one day I’ll share them with you.
College came and went.
Again, I never went for it. I actually made a couple blogs and maybe posted one or two posts but then after a day I would delete the post and sometimes even the whole blog. Once again, I would just sit in my bedroom reading all these fantastic blogs, wishing I could have the guts to do what they do.
It wasn’t until I was in my second year of University that I bit the bullet, sat there in my room in Student Halls and typed away. Putting my first post live and keeping it live felt amazing, I felt good about myself I guess. More and more posts were going live and staying live. Granted it was just my uni friends and my family that read them but still, people read them! It’s only been within the past year or so that people have started to notice my blog more and I’ve really made my blog into what I want it to be. I’m incredibly proud of my little corner on the internet but that still doesn’t stop the constant self doubt.
Putting myself on the internet terrified me and it still does to this day.
When you put yourself online – the gates of hell open (or so it felt like to me) – everything about the internet scared me; whether it be getting trolled, mocked, teased, all of it! I know that with some things you have to take with a pinch of salt but my mind just overthought every little detail.
I found it incredibly difficult to start this blog and keep it going. There’s still these thoughts gnawing away inside of me about blogging. I constantly have this feeling that I’m not good enough, that my writing style is awful, my photos are shit, my blog is shit and that I’m shit! I’m forever doubting myself and my blogging abilities. I know I shouldn’t, I know that my blog has come such a long way in the past 6-12 months especially. There’s just that little part of me still niggling away at the back of my mind saying I should stop blogging altogether, that no one reads my blog (even though I know they do) and that it’s a waste of time.
It’s weird really because I can’t see myself stopping blogging in the near future but I still have these doubts every time I take photos or write a blog post.
I just can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe in time, this whole emotion will slip away. Perhaps I’m still getting used to blogging and putting myself online. Who knows?
Some people say/believe that if you can’t handle the potential backlash of the internet, then you shouldn’t air your thoughts on there. We’re all entitled to speak our minds. However, there are also many things said on the internet that are just unacceptable and wrong. Whether this be bullying, racism, sexism, mental health and all the rest of it. Perhaps this is why I worry so much about what people say/think about me and my blog even though I barely dip into those discussions on my blog. I find anyone who talks about MH, sexism, racism etc on their blog admirable and I look up to them, I just don’t have the guts to write about it myself.
For the simple reason that you could say ‘boo’ to someone and it would offend them! Heck, I’ve had it before! I did a review on some lipsticks. I was told that my opinion was wrong, the lipsticks are crap, I’m stupid and don’t deserve a blog at all! All over bloody LIPSTICK! I’ve also been told that my photos are a joke to blogging. Yep, I’ve had that. Granted this was before I used a camera. Still, there’s no need to be a bitch about it.
I don’t think some people really realise the actions that their words can have on a person.
This will be something I delve into on another post in the future. For now I’ll leave it at that.
I just wonder, if I started blogging when I first wanted all them years ago, where would I be now with it? Who would I be? Would I still be blogging now?
Alas, you can’t change the past. For now, I’ll just embrace my blog and be bloody proud of myself for sticking at it for the past two years. It’s not the easiest thing in the world. It’s definitely helped me become the person I am today I think. Some people may disagree with that but that’s ok.
Have you ever felt like this? Do you regret not starting to blog when you first wanted? Do you think it’s helped shape the person you are today? Let me know in the comments below!