As I’ve said 100 times already. The past few months have been a bit of a struggle for me. I’ve struggled to cope with a lot of things recently. I’m still trying to pinpoint exactly what it is that caused me to feel the way I have been but in all honesty, I think it’s just been a combination of things.
So, this post is a bit of a life lately style post and me just babbling away. Bear with me! I’m glad I’m getting myself back on track though. I feel much happier about things than I did a couple months ago. Hopefully this post can explain things!
We’ve cancelled our wedding.
This is something I’m so gutted about still. Our wedding planning was in full swing. The venue, in the end, just wasn’t for us. Alongside how much we were having to save monthly, we couldn’t enjoy ourselves at all. Sure, we could afford it but we had to make a lot of sacrifices to save. Alongside all these different reasons, there is another reason why we cancelled which I will explain further down the post.
I’ll be the first to admit, that I am an incredibly needy person in a relationship, I like having constant reassurance and attention which is obviously a lot to handle. There were points that I felt like Kayne was not fully committed as a result of cancelling the wedding. This caused a lot of arguments. I felt like he didn’t love me any more, that he was going off me and that if anything, I would forever be engaged and nothing more. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing or belittling people who do only stay engaged, it’s just that I have always pictured myself getting married and I was close to that becoming a reality.
The truth is, cancelling the wedding is probably one of the best decisions we’ve actually made.
We are fully committed to each other (regardless of what my head was telling me) and we’re a lot happier now. We aren’t stressing about money, about guest lists and all the rest of it. I feel like we are in a really good place at the moment, almost like a ‘honeymoon’ phase ironically enough. Plus, we’ve been able to do so much to the house now we have xxx amount extra a month to ourselves which I must admit, has been absolutely lovely.
Does this mean that we’re failures? No, it doesn’t. No doubt there’ll be some shitty comments from people behind my back but I don’t really care. The wedding will inevitably happen at some point but for now, we are happy and healthy. That’s all that matters. Thankfully, we haven’t really lost any money – just short of £500 which we can deal with.
We had a pregnancy scare.
I went back on the pill at the start of this year, I stopped taking for my usual week off and nothing. Nothing at all. So I just thought, ok, my body just didn’t want a period and I thought nothing more of it. Then my body started doing really weird stuff – as if I was pregnant. My eating habits changed, I had a huge aversion to meat but I wanted cheese and maltesers constantly and I f*cking hate cheese – bad blogger I know. I was throwing up every morning without fail, my boobs were sore as hell and my body was changing as if I was pregnant.
So, after 26 pregnancy tests – every single one coming back negative.
My body was f*cking me around more and more. My stomach was starting to swell, I was getting little cramps in my shoulders and all sorts of different things. With all these tests coming back negative, I was getting really concerned that it was an ectopic pregnancy as I definitely had some symptoms. I went to my doctor for a blood test to see if they could pick anything up there. Of course, the results came back negative. After a talk with my doctor, I was told that maybe if I lost weight, then I’d get a period… I came out of the doctors crying. I’ve always had a massive insecurity about my weight (even though I don’t show it). I’ll go more in depth on this later.
ANYWAY, I was quite upset to discover that I wasn’t pregnant.
I had sorta got my head around the idea that I could’ve been potentially pregnant and started thinking about children. We had discussed how we would change the house to suit a baby, we spoke about all sorts. This was also another reason why we decided to cancel the wedding, if I was pregnant, it would’ve given us zero time to sort things out such as my dress, the running order of the day etc. I can imagine it being quite difficult to manage with a newborn there – feeds, naps and all the rest of it. I know many people have done it and pulled it off but we just didn’t want that uncertainty. (No, we don’t hate newborns either)
I’ve gone on a bit of a tangent there. Sure, it will hopefully be a reality in the future but it’s been a lot to handle. Especially since my body has just messed me around the way it has done. Is it possible to want something so much, so suddenly? Is it even possible to be so sad about something that never even became a reality? I’ve never really been a maternal person. So for my attitude and thoughts to change so suddenly, it’s actually really hard to get my head around. I’m very broody right now and I’ve never, ever been broody before. It’s a weird feeling. Now I want children so bad, it’s like this deep yearning inside of me, what is happening?! Getting a tad emotional here, lol. I’m gonna move onto the next thing…
My weight has been getting me down, a lot.
I’m not going to go into this because I tried to type it all out but I got pretty upset (more than I am already) so I’ve deleted it all. I’m just struggling at the moment to love my body and love myself. You may find that hard to believe since I’m such a strong character but everyone has their weaknesses and I guess this is mine.
Blogging in general.
Honestly, all the arguing I’ve seen recently has made me take a step back from blogging in general. Do I want to write a post about lipsticks, publish it and worry that I might cause an indirect tweet because I didn’t do a good enough swatch? Do I even want to publish this post in the fear of backlash? That someone may twist the words I typed and make mountains out of molehills. The internet, Twitter especially, is such a difficult place to be some times. It can be a wonderful place, don’t get me wrong but just recently, I’ve not been able to deal with it. It’s draining to scroll down my feed and see that Carol and Susan are having another argument, or that Rita is dropping indirect tweets like they’re going out of fashion. I just don’t want to see that on my feed. But, the good ol’ mute and unfollow button has been a lifesaver recently.
I guess that’s it.
I think I’ve put the main reasons why I’ve taken a step back recently. This post was mostly just a babble to just get my feelings out because I didn’t know what else to do really. Isn’t that why I blog? To get my thoughts out there? I think the main thing to take away from all of this is to just remember that because a person may seem ok on the surface, doesn’t mean they are. Like to see me on social media and in person, you wouldn’t think there was anything happening, that I was my usual happy go lucky self. Anyway, that’s the end of my rambling. I think I’ve said everything I needed to say. I’m feeling a lot better about things now and I’m certainly getting there and feeling better about things. Life is funny, isn’t it?