As I type this, Buddy is sleeping at the side of me like butter wouldn’t melt, I should be sleeping too, since that’s what they say you ‘should’ do. But, I have waaay too much stuff to do to even consider sleep right now.
Buddy is one month old already. People weren’t joking when they said that time flies by. It really, really does. A lot has happened in the last month and I mean alot. Stuff that I never really dreamed of happening, happened. My limits have been pushed to new levels I didn’t think possible.
Parenting is hard. I don’t think there’s any amount of books, classes, mental and physical preparation that you can do to prepare you for the challenge of motherhood/parenthood. It’s next level, a whole new world. But, I’ll do a whole post separate to this.
As everyone knows, when Buddy was born, he had a bit of a rocky start.
I never really went into what happened with him because I didn’t really feel comfortable talking about it and I was also invalidating our experience in comparison to what some parents experience. But, I’ve realised that just our experience/feelings/situation is valid and just as valid as anyone else’s.
So basically, when Buddy was born, we soon discovered that he had developed pneumonia. They didn’t know if he had contracted this in the womb or during delivery because I displayed no symptoms of pneumonia. We went from myself, Kayne and two midwives in the room to a whole team of people, speaking in hushed voices behind a curtain and within minutes – our happy bubble and Buddy was whisked away onto the NICU ward.
Long story short, Buddy was on NICU for a week, which doesn’t seem long and in hindsight, it isn’t. Not in comparison to some families who are in there for months and I can’t possibly begin to imagine how that must feel for them – mentally and physically. But, that week felt like a lifetime for us. We had a fairly healthy, low-risk pregnancy so why was my baby in an incubator? Why was he so poorly? What did I do wrong?
I spent a lot of time blaming myself.
And to be honest, I still do blame myself. I feel like that as his mother, I should be able to protect him from harm but I couldn’t. Even though I had no idea this was going to happen, I still blamed myself – did I miss a day taking my pregnancy vitamins? Did I have one too many takeaways? Was it because I had to have growth scans? Has that played a part in this? What the hell was it? I just couldn’t get my head around it and neither could Kayne.
The first week of his life was in an incubator and for the most part, we felt very, very limited on what we could do for our son. All our instincts were being held back, he’d had very little contact or bonding time with us. Again, it could have been so different. Seeing other parents on the ward with their babies – all of them premature barring Buddy, I know how incredibly lucky we are to have had Buddy to full term and everything else. Being on that ward for a week, has given me a whole new level of respect for premature babies and their parents, the strength they have is out of this world.
Anyway, we finally got discharged from the hospital.
It felt like our life could finally begin. We could get our little routine figured out and just enjoy our time with Buddy.
But my fears/worries with Buddy have been getting the better of me. For example, when it comes to temperatures – I’m checking every single thermometer in the house over and over again. Constantly feeling him to see if he’s the ‘right level of warmth’. I know 99.9% of parents will worry about this but because of the pneumonia at the start, I feel extra paranoid about it. When we go outside, I can’t enjoy myself because I’m terrified that the cold will get to his chest (even if he has the right amount of layers on) and then we will end up back in hospital.
In hindsight, it feels really silly to be thinking like that, now that I’ve typed it down – I feel a bit daft to be honest. But, isn’t this part of being a parent? Worrying about every damn little thing?
We soon learnt Buddy’s little ways and his personality quickly started coming out.
Is it bizarre to say that a 4 week old baby has a personality already? But he really does. Buddy is SMILING! Now, a lot of people will say it’s just wind but I have videos of us talking to him and he is giving us full blown smiles and even cooing back at us! It’s almost as if he’s been here before. If you don’t believe the smiling – check out my Instagram highlights. But here’s a little photo for you all.
Buddy is also a very determined little baby. He is ridiculously strong, I always thought newborns were really fragile, easy to manoeuvre (for nappies, getting dressed, winding etc). But oh no, not little Buddy Bear. Winding him is a bloody battle, he flings himself everywhere! Changing his nappy should be an Olympic sport because he will not play ball. We’ve got our hands full with Buddy, he’s certainly making up for lost time and letting us know that he’s here!
The nurses on NICU nicknamed him ‘Buddy Bruiser’ because of his strength and ability to scream an entire ward down when he wanted feeding. Not even kidding.
Buddy is also the cutest little baby ever.
Now, obviously I’m biased because I pushed him out my fanny so obviously I’m going to think he’s beautiful. But, he really, really is. He just has so many defined little features about him already which again, I didn’t expect for a newborn. Personally, I think newborns tend to look similar for a few weeks before they start developing any sort of defining physical features. But, it does feel like Buddy has skipped that stage altogether and is just Buddy.
But amongst all the happy and cute stuff that Buddy does, he’s also hard work. Aren’t all babies though? There’s been so many times this month already where I’ve cried my eyes out, where I’ve felt like a ‘crap mum’ and just questioned myself constantly. But, that’s something I’ll save to talk about on here when I’m ready. I’ll get there though!
All in all, Buddy is the best.
I honestly cannot imagine life without him now. Kayne is so good with him and he adores Kayne so much. The other day when Kayne came home from work – Kayne spoke to him, he turned his head, looked up at Kayne and did the biggest smile. My heart cannot cope *Cries*. Our little journey together as a three has begun and I cannot wait for all the adventures ahead. Buddy has slotted into our lives perfectly and being a family of three is just incredible.
Products marked with * are PR samples