Okay so, this post has been a long time coming. Months in fact, maybe even as long as a year now. What is going on with my blog?
Not because I don’t love blogging because I do. Or, used to at least. I think, if anything – I’ve fallen out of love with blogging.
The thing with blogging is that the whole industry has changed. If you don’t have the best of the best or the ability to be on social media 21345672 hours a week or you’ve already got a very good following/presence in the community – it’s incredibly hard to make shit happen, I think anyway. Oh or cheating the system of course. This, paired up with depression, looking after a baby, a home and focussing on my relationship, it doesn’t always make it possible.
This is a huge one with me – cheating. Why in God’s name, do people feel the need to cheat the system? Botting, using ‘tactics’, buying followers… It’s just a massive joke to be honest. Yet, they’re the ones who are 9 times out of 10, reaping in the ‘rewards’. Please, tell me how that’s fair for those of us who work hard, putting in maximum effort for Karen from CanISpeakToTheManagerPR to choose a cheater than an honest, genuine influencer. It’s just a kick in the teeth to every honest influencer out there. To be honest, it’s made me think what’s the point in trying be the best ‘blogger’ I can be, if it gets me nowhere? Ah, I don’t know.
In all honesty, I don’t remember the last time I used my camera or my blogging lights.
For the past 8-9 months, I’ve been relying on my phone and natural lighting to see me through, despite having perfectly good equipment to hand. I don’t remember the last time I SAT and scheduled a months worth of posts or actually typed up more than one or two blog posts and finished them. The only posts I’ve actually kept on top of are Buddy updates and even the last couple months I couldn’t get them up on time. (I AM SUCH A BAD MUM OMG!?!) Blogging just doesn’t excite me as much as it used to. No longer do I get the electric buzz sensation when I type posts. Now, all I get is a feeling of dread.
I’ve grown and changed as a person.
No way am I the same person that I was when I started this back in 2015. I’ve grown older (duh) wiser (I’d like to think) and just in general, I’ve changed. A lot of shit has happened to me – more in the last year than ever before, which has had a huge impact on me and my mental state.
As you all know, I lost my Grandad in October at 20 something weeks pregnant and then I lost my Dad in January at 34 weeks pregnant. Then woooosh, along came Buddy in March who didn’t have the easiest start in life. It’s just f*cking hard to get your head round that y’know? How can I have two huge male figures in my life, gone just like that? When my Dad died, I think a part of me died too, he was… Is… my best friend, everything I could’ve asked for and more. I’m not dealing very well with his death. I like to think that I am and tell everyone around me that I’m top dog but in reality, I’m really not ok.
On a regular basis, I ring my Dad’s phone, even though I know he won’t pick up. He must have hundreds of voicemails from me now. Anyway, before I go on a tangent… The truth is, I am struggling to come to terms with his death more than anything. I’ll get there someday, I’m sure. So to blog, it just seems irrelevant to me. Normally, I could escape by blogging, but I just can’t this time. I see my Dad everywhere I go, sitting in my living room, in my car, walking beside me. There’s something that reminds me of him no matter where I am. It’s just hard.
The thing, I think is one of the things holding me back as well is that I don’t love blogging about beauty anymore.
Don’t get me wrong, I still love beauty products but I’m not arsed about being on every single damn beauty PR list possible anymore. It can be a slippery slope once you get on the ”am I not good enough for anyone” train. I’m happy with the PR lists I am on/was on (whatever that may be). It’s not about the free stuff for me, it never has been. If anything, it was just a bonus that brands actually wanted to send me stuff. Every time I get a package delivered from a brand, I still get that same giddy feeling that I got the first time I ever received a PR package. Honestly, I put my hats off to people who find the time to commit the way they do to their blog. I just can’t promise or commit the time anymore.
Not only this, but beauty blogging just seems so saturated now?
There’s been a huge shift in the community and on Instagram especially, people WANT the fashion, the lifestyle, the in the moment photos… People no longer want to read the 100th review in a day on a foundation or propped up to shit beauty flatlays. No way am I bashing beauty blogging because hello… I was one. I’m just saying that now, to be successful with beauty blogging, you need to have a certain flare about you, experience, talent. You need to stand out. Or, have been around long enough to have gained a substantial amount of loyal readers. I have neither of these things.
What I need to do, is grow my blog the way I’ve grown my Instagram.
What once was solely a beauty account with slight engagement and very slow growth has quickly blossomed into a lifestyle and parent account. Now, my engagement is so much higher, my growth is going up and up. I know it’s not about the numbers and shit like that but the difference since I’ve made the change is very interesting.
When I started posting more lifestyle shots, I was worried how it would affect my followers, my ‘relationship’ with Instagram and who would stick around, who wouldn’t. Shockingly, so many people have stuck around and I’ve made so many new friends. It’s been interesting to say the least. I have grown my Instagram account with my my life and my ‘followers’ have grown with me. It’s actually really nice. Instagram was the one platform I hated but now, it’s my favourite platform.
I didn’t start blogging for the free shit, I started it because I fell in love with how good it made me feel. How I could put my voice on the internet, escape in my writing and just enjoy some time away from my ‘reality’.
But now, that’s gone. My reality is one that I can’t escape from. No amount of anti depressants, bottles of wine, hobbies, sleeping, trying to be the best mum I can possibly be and more, will help me escape now. Maybe it’s a phase. Maybe it’s not. Who knows.
It’s very, very rare I open up about my mental health publicly but I’m struggling.
I feel like I’m drowning and every time I feel like my hands are about to reach the surface, I get pulled back down. It’s a constant battle with my demons. I’ve never really suffered with depression until I got pregnant, no way am I blaming Buddy or Kayne for this but just so much happened when I was pregnant… My body was totally changing, my life was about to change forever and it did change in more ways than one. About to become first time parents, dealing with the losses of my Grandad and Dad, worrying about giving birth, y’know the whole shabang.
Everything was out of my control and I like to be in control of situations. So, it was all alien to me. Every time I begin to feel like ‘me’ again or I find myself smiling and feeling happy, this dark fog just creeps over me and consumes me. The only thing that gets me up in the morning is Buddy (quite literally) and the only things that keep me going are Kayne, Buddy and family.
My blog, just seems irrelevant when I have so much more going on my life.
As I said, this used to be where I could escape reality but all that’s changed. I just don’t know where I stand anymore, with anything. It confuses me so much because I used to be such a headstrong, happy go lucky kinda gal but it’s all changed. Who am I now? I just don’t know anymore. Finding myself again is going to be hard, but I’m determined. Blogging, I miss it. Well, I think I do anyway. To be honest, I don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore, just waffling on and literally word vomiting everything that comes to my mind.
Basically, I’m trying to say that I do and I don’t miss blogging, some things I miss, some things I don’t but first, I need to sort myself out. Finding myself again is the most important thing. Focussing on me is essential. It’s going to be a long road, but I’ll get there. Congrats if you’ve made it to the end of this word vomit post.
Products marked with * are PR samples