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Katie Middleton

Lifestyle and Parenting

Where have I been?

So much for making my big return right? *screams internally* I’m a bit… disappointed with myself, to be honest. I was psyching myself up for this huge return to blogging and then I just didn’t do it? Why not? Where have I been?

So, since my relaunch I’ve posted probably like 5/6 blog posts? Which is a bit shit really isn’t it? I’m a bit of a shit blogger to be honest. I just haven’t been able to muster the energy to open WordPress and type away. There’s a whole bunch of reasons why I guess and I don’t really know where this post is going to go BUT let’s give it a whirl shall we? You might want to grab a drink – if you make it to the bottom of this incredibly long and dreary post where I try to explain ‘where have I been?’, hats off to ya.

Where

Have I been?

So the question remains… Where the hell have I been?

Lockdown happened. So this, in theory should be the perfect time to whack out some banging content because we can’t do anything else right? But, I was just so excited about having Kayne at home that I pushed it all to the side. He’s been off work since 12th March – the day before our son turned one so we’ve been in each others company for a longggggg time. My problem is that I’m a really needy person, which can be annoying for some. I don’t like my own company and I like to be with people, even if we’re not talking but just sitting there watching TV or doing our own thing, I just hate loneliness, which has become worse since my Dad died. Every time Kayne wanted to do something that didn’t include me, I’d just get dead emotional, I would wonder if he didn’t love me anymore, if he was getting bored of me… You get the drill. It’s actually not been that healthy for our relationship because this constant attention that I craved was just pushing us so far apart – there’s been arguments galore and a chunk of them are because of my actions. The thing with lockdown too, it just messes with your head so much, I was just so determined on keeping my little family safe and thinking the only way that I could do that was by tracking Kayne and Buddy’s every little move, keeping them in my sight at all times. Typing this out, it sounds incredibly possessive and controlling, I know it does. But I couldn’t get images out of my head of losing either of them to COVID or us being apart because of it. It just meddled with me so much and sent me to a really, really dark place. Which leads us onto my next point…

Mental health is a mother*cker

My mental health has taken a nose dive. Like straight down, smash into the ground kinda nose dive. My head, has been scrambled egg for the best part of this year. There’s things that have sent alarm bells ringing. The world, is just a horrifically scary place right now with the pandemic. Every single thing sends me into over drive. These voices in my head, planting bullshit into my brain. They tell me I don’t deserve to live, I’m worthless, I’m a terrible mum, fiancé, daughter, sister, friend… All of it. They tell me to kill myself because every one will be better off without me and not gonna lie, I have thought long and hard about doing it. If it wasn’t for Kayne being home on furlough, I don’t know if I would be here typing this now – genuinely.

Mental health matters guys.

My head has been a super toxic space of late. I barely get any sleep because I’m fighting with these demons. Even when I do sleep, they’re still fighting me. Constantly tearing myself down, comparing myself to others, taking my anger out on the people who love me most. There’s this constant angry bubbling in my stomach (and no, it’s not wind) and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and get away from every thing. But there’s something stopping me and honestly, It’s Kayne and Buddy.

Some days are better than others and today is a good day.

Today I sorta feel like the ‘old Katie’. The Katie who was happy go lucky, a laugh to be around and full of energy. Most days, I’m so in my head that I can barely function properly. Lockdown has really messed with my mental health. I’ve spoken to people online, a handful of pals and that’s helped. When everything is safe and I feel comfortable doing so (I get so anxious being near people now) – I’m going to go back to therapy. I’ve recognised that I need help and I want to get better. I have to get better, I have a fiancé who loves every inch of my being, I have a son who loves and needs me (even if he does call me car or dada, ty Buddy), I have a family and friends who care about me, I want to live.

Money, money, money…

I hope you’re all singing Abba now. Hehe. But yeah… money. Obviously, during my maternity leave, we discussed what our options were about returning to work etc and financially, we could afford me not to work and be a stay at home mum with Buddy and do a bit of freelancing on the side. Great right? But, COVID changed that. Kayne got put onto furlough and we saw our monthly income slashed by half. How his income worked before involved lots of bonuses, overtime (example, working an extra hour on a working day, double pay on a weekend etc) then there were mini shutdowns which raked in the money too. This isn’t to brag by the way, we were just very lucky to be in this position. So when you’re used to at least 1.2k more than you are currently receiving, it does a lot to you financially.
We had to take payment holidays, signed up to Universal Credit along with everyone else, we got a credit card and have racked up so much on there.

It was the only way we could afford to buy food. Kayne’s furlough terms at the time didn’t allow him to work. We were riding on a single furlough wage and my income which, at the time was sporadic. Then, a further blow came to us in May when we were notified that Kayne would be losing his job. Thankfully, they were keeping him on furlough til 31st July then his contract is terminated. This also happens to be his birthday which is a GREAT birthday present right? So we have another week of income and a severance pay too.

But, praise the lord – some luck finally came our way – I started to get work and now it’s regular work too. Kayne has also landed himself a new job, he’s now registered as self employed with his own business. It means he will be working away but the income will be worth it. We’re nearly at the end of this horrific tunnel. Halle-f*cking-juah! I recognise how privileged and lucky we are for this to be our new situation financially and I can’t explain the relief and the feeling of pressure being lifted. Money has been the source of many arguments and sleepless nights. So here’s hoping it all works out!

I don’t feel like I belong in the blogging community anymore.
So this is no shade to anyone really. I just don’t really feel like I belong in the blogging community anymore. I can’t commit to it like everyone else seems to. To be honest, I don’t want to post half arsed, shit content and I feel like that’s all I’m capable of producing. That my writing is naff, my photos suck, I’m too ugly to share my face (kinda true) and just in general… It feels like everyone is in such a high league now that I’ll never be able to catch up. So it’s sorta like, what’s the point? I used to love blogging and I loved being able to escape into this little corner of the internet that was mine and mine alone but now… I just don’t feel anything? Meh. I’ll just see what happens I guess.
Animal Crossing happened.

This is probably the most positive I’ve been on this post so far, lol. Without a doubt, the most addictive and weirdly therapeutic game I’ve ever come across. I have spent hours upon hours on that game, designing my island, dreamie hunting, going to other peoples islands, deciding I don’t like my island anymore and then redoing it all. It’s been a great way to escape for me and I’ve found that when I had finished playing for the day, I felt a lot more at ease and calmer within myself? It’s hard to explain but to be honest, I’m not surprised. I’ve seen a lot of people say similar and how it’s helped with anxiety. Defo the same for me too.

My creative energy and the passion behind… well, everything really has just gone. I’ve had no outlet for a while now. No gym to help my mental health and overall fitness, no where to go barring my bedroom or a different part of the house, no escape… Just nothing. I know, everyone has been in the same boat (if they followed the rules) and it’s not just me going through it but I’m allowed to be upset with how the years gone and what we’ve all missed out on. I’m allowed to be angry about it and I just hate how this year has gone so far. After Buddy’s birthday, everything changed. I just feel sad how everyones missed out on experiences – birthdays, births, holidays, weddings, engagements, graduations, proms… Everything.
And finally…

I’ve been struggling with my weight and body image really badly. This has been a battle for around 18 years now. Amplified with a new body after giving birth and tackling depression, it’s not been a great year. I don’t ever really talk about my body online because I’m afraid of the comments I might get. But, I suffer with body dysmorphia and in the past, have had EDs. It’s just something I don’t really talk about or feel ready to talk in depth about.

So alongside these struggles, trying to come to terms with a ‘new body’ after giving birth has been… Intense to say the least.

My hips have definitely got wider, I have stretch marks galore, I have a really saggy pouch on my stomach that really, really gets me down and even just typing this out, my eyes are welling up. Not to mention the horrific scar on my vagina, my boobs STILL leak milk even though Buddy hasn’t touched my milk in a year, my boobs are all weird and floppy… I could go on.
Another reason why I don’t really talk about my body is because of comments like this:

”just be thankful you’ve had a baby”, ”at least you carried a baby”, ”you did something amazing so you should be proud of your body” blah, blah f*cking blah. Yes, I have had a baby and yes, I am aware that my body did something pretty freakin’ cool but when you already have body image issues and then have to become accustomed to a new body over night, it can be so damaging for a persons image and mental health. It’s not easy.

No pre baby clothes fit me now – my current wardrobe consists of 2 dresses, 6 tops, 2 pairs of jeans, 1 skirt, 1 pair or culottes and 2 playsuits. That is it but I don’t want to buy new clothes because 1. It’s not really sustainable and 2. The thought of buying clothes makes me want to cry because I just can’t bear the thought of ordering ££ that don’t fit. It fills me with dread.

Annoyingly, I was finally starting to feel somewhat ‘ok’ about myself pre lockdown. I was going to the gym 3/4 times, maybe even 5 times a week some weeks and I was loving it. I could see the physical change and mental change. My head was starting to unfog, the gym did wonders for me health wise – both mentally and physically (not saying this is the same for everyone but working out definitely helps my mental health). Now, I don’t even know when I’ll be able to go next (partially because I don’t feel safe yet with covid19 lurking around) and that sucks, it makes me want to cry. Home work outs don’t give me the same ‘buzz’ I’m one of those people who needs the gym frustratingly.

So yeah… That’s where I’ve been.

This has been a pretty heavy post so I’m sorry if I’ve bummed anyone out, not that anyone will read it anyway haha. I’m pretty irrelevant now I guess. But I do want to come back to blogging, I want to get better, I want to smash my depression, overcome my extremely unhealthy relationship with my body and food, I want the voices to stop, the constant self doubt to end… I just want to be me again. I miss the old Katie – she was pretty cool tbh, the person I am now, is just a shell of the old Katie. I’ve been through hell and back over the last couple years and I’m done with that journey, can I get off this train and get back to sorting my life out? Ty. Congratulations if you’ve made it to the end of this… Gold star for you!

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Katie Middleton

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