So much for making my big return right? *screams internally* I’m a bit… disappointed with myself, to be honest. I was psyching myself up for this huge return to blogging and then I just didn’t do it? Why not? Where have I been?
So, since my relaunch I’ve posted probably like 5/6 blog posts? Which is a bit shit really isn’t it? I’m a bit of a shit blogger to be honest. I just haven’t been able to muster the energy to open WordPress and type away. There’s a whole bunch of reasons why I guess and I don’t really know where this post is going to go BUT let’s give it a whirl shall we? You might want to grab a drink – if you make it to the bottom of this incredibly long and dreary post where I try to explain ‘where have I been?’, hats off to ya.
Have I been?
So the question remains… Where the hell have I been?
Mental health is a mother*cker
My mental health has taken a nose dive. Like straight down, smash into the ground kinda nose dive. My head, has been scrambled egg for the best part of this year. There’s things that have sent alarm bells ringing. The world, is just a horrifically scary place right now with the pandemic. Every single thing sends me into over drive. These voices in my head, planting bullshit into my brain. They tell me I don’t deserve to live, I’m worthless, I’m a terrible mum, fiancé, daughter, sister, friend… All of it. They tell me to kill myself because every one will be better off without me and not gonna lie, I have thought long and hard about doing it. If it wasn’t for Kayne being home on furlough, I don’t know if I would be here typing this now – genuinely.
Mental health matters guys.
Some days are better than others and today is a good day.
Today I sorta feel like the ‘old Katie’. The Katie who was happy go lucky, a laugh to be around and full of energy. Most days, I’m so in my head that I can barely function properly. Lockdown has really messed with my mental health. I’ve spoken to people online, a handful of pals and that’s helped. When everything is safe and I feel comfortable doing so (I get so anxious being near people now) – I’m going to go back to therapy. I’ve recognised that I need help and I want to get better. I have to get better, I have a fiancé who loves every inch of my being, I have a son who loves and needs me (even if he does call me car or dada, ty Buddy), I have a family and friends who care about me, I want to live.
Money, money, money…
We had to take payment holidays, signed up to Universal Credit along with everyone else, we got a credit card and have racked up so much on there.
It was the only way we could afford to buy food. Kayne’s furlough terms at the time didn’t allow him to work. We were riding on a single furlough wage and my income which, at the time was sporadic. Then, a further blow came to us in May when we were notified that Kayne would be losing his job. Thankfully, they were keeping him on furlough til 31st July then his contract is terminated. This also happens to be his birthday which is a GREAT birthday present right? So we have another week of income and a severance pay too.
But, praise the lord – some luck finally came our way – I started to get work and now it’s regular work too. Kayne has also landed himself a new job, he’s now registered as self employed with his own business. It means he will be working away but the income will be worth it. We’re nearly at the end of this horrific tunnel. Halle-f*cking-juah! I recognise how privileged and lucky we are for this to be our new situation financially and I can’t explain the relief and the feeling of pressure being lifted. Money has been the source of many arguments and sleepless nights. So here’s hoping it all works out!
I don’t feel like I belong in the blogging community anymore.
Animal Crossing happened.
This is probably the most positive I’ve been on this post so far, lol. Without a doubt, the most addictive and weirdly therapeutic game I’ve ever come across. I have spent hours upon hours on that game, designing my island, dreamie hunting, going to other peoples islands, deciding I don’t like my island anymore and then redoing it all. It’s been a great way to escape for me and I’ve found that when I had finished playing for the day, I felt a lot more at ease and calmer within myself? It’s hard to explain but to be honest, I’m not surprised. I’ve seen a lot of people say similar and how it’s helped with anxiety. Defo the same for me too.
I’ve been struggling with my weight and body image really badly. This has been a battle for around 18 years now. Amplified with a new body after giving birth and tackling depression, it’s not been a great year. I don’t ever really talk about my body online because I’m afraid of the comments I might get. But, I suffer with body dysmorphia and in the past, have had EDs. It’s just something I don’t really talk about or feel ready to talk in depth about.
So alongside these struggles, trying to come to terms with a ‘new body’ after giving birth has been… Intense to say the least.
Another reason why I don’t really talk about my body is because of comments like this:
”just be thankful you’ve had a baby”, ”at least you carried a baby”, ”you did something amazing so you should be proud of your body” blah, blah f*cking blah. Yes, I have had a baby and yes, I am aware that my body did something pretty freakin’ cool but when you already have body image issues and then have to become accustomed to a new body over night, it can be so damaging for a persons image and mental health. It’s not easy.
No pre baby clothes fit me now – my current wardrobe consists of 2 dresses, 6 tops, 2 pairs of jeans, 1 skirt, 1 pair or culottes and 2 playsuits. That is it but I don’t want to buy new clothes because 1. It’s not really sustainable and 2. The thought of buying clothes makes me want to cry because I just can’t bear the thought of ordering ££ that don’t fit. It fills me with dread.
So yeah… That’s where I’ve been.
This has been a pretty heavy post so I’m sorry if I’ve bummed anyone out, not that anyone will read it anyway haha. I’m pretty irrelevant now I guess. But I do want to come back to blogging, I want to get better, I want to smash my depression, overcome my extremely unhealthy relationship with my body and food, I want the voices to stop, the constant self doubt to end… I just want to be me again. I miss the old Katie – she was pretty cool tbh, the person I am now, is just a shell of the old Katie. I’ve been through hell and back over the last couple years and I’m done with that journey, can I get off this train and get back to sorting my life out? Ty. Congratulations if you’ve made it to the end of this… Gold star for you!
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